Lost and Found

It’s been almost a month since I have written. It’s not that I have lost the will; lately, I haven’t found the time. Thanks to Becky for noticing I was gone! Anyway, here are some other things I have lost or found since I last checked in.

Found: First robin’s eggs, in various shades of Tiffany’s box, officially marking the most glorious season of all, Spring! I think finding one unexpectedly means good luck, and I pick them up and cradle them carefully all the way home, where I put them in a small square vase. Every time I look at them, I’m struck. They are so delicate and thin, but are colored so lushly and extravagantly. Admiring them, I feel like surely the good and the wondrous are everywhere, and that possibility is bursting forth all the time.

Found: A story by Robert Coover in an old NewYorker. I love me some Coover. He is a professor at Brown University who has been described as a “metafiction fabulist”. I don’t know what that means, but it’s a pretty cool way to be described, right? I first read him in a college anthology in the post-modernists section, which again, means-nothing-but-fun-to-say. The story, which was written in 1969, the year I joined the good folks of the Daisy Mae Yahoo Ranch for the Progressively Evolving and Hopelessly Deconstructed*,  was called “The Babysitter”, and I have already written about it in this blog, so if you want to read it or readmore of what I have to say about it, find it in that weird word cloud or the tag list. Anyway, I found this new story, “Going For A Beer”, and yes, ladies and germs, even when not tripping balls with the hipsters of my youth, I still love me some Coover! He does a lot of strange things with temporal perception; his stories always remind me of that Super Elastic Bubble Plastic stuff I used to play with as a kid, but which was so much fun, but which I guess was actually toxic, as I haven’t seen it in at least twenty years.Must See TV presents “Coover Town”, starring your friend, Courtney Cox! It’s an angst-ridden, hilarious pre-natal, post-partum, pre-pubescent, frustrated adolescent, shamefully narcissistic, fleetingly satisfied, achingly longing, grindingly monotonous, dutifully perormed,  pseudo-psycho-sexual, post-modern-fabulist romp through the fads and foibles of middle aged depressive light hearted tragicomedy! RAWR!!!!

* None of that meant anything either, but there is something so satisfying about spewing ridiculous misinformation as if it was the truth, for no reason except to just do it! Good times!


Then, when I was looking for the link above for you lucky lamb chops, I found this article on my boyfriend, David Eagleman, from another old New Yorker, and it’s all about time, which you know I love to obsess on, and I know you love to read me obsess about! Man-O-Man! O ye gods of serendipitous synchronicity, receive my huzzahs and exultations as I fall on bended knee to praise your bad-assedness! It doesn’t get much better than this! http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/04/25/110425fa_fact_bilger

*BtDubs: the article is long, but it really is fascinating. The Coover story is short, but is a perfect companion for the article, as it looks at time like the dilation and constriction of an eye, expanding between past and present, or narrowing sharply to focus on a moment. Outstanding!

Found: Lots of plants in my garden that I did NOT plant, but that are growing magnificently on their own intrinsic motivation! The technical gardener word for plants like this are “volunteers”, but I like to call them “Palinesque”, because they just go rogue and pop up whether you want them or not. Fortunately, my tomatoes, cantaloupes, peppers and basil aren’t assholes from Alaska, so it’s all very exciting. I also have beans, radishes, Japanese eggplants, turnips, onions, roses, cosmos, daisies, asparagus, carnations, carrots (oh boy!), and herbs galore!

Found: Music to look forward to! My friend has a band who put out a cd and I like it, which is kind of rare. I mean, I love my friends, and some of them are really talented, but lots of times their stuff is …well, you know, to each her own, right? I can’t help it; even though I don’t know anything about music and have no right to judge, I’m picky. But, I can honestly say I love this cd. It’s called “Dirty”, and the band is the Electro-Magnetics. Go here to listen to some of  it: http://www.theelectromagnetics.com/#!__songs. For still more titillation, (Grrr! Now there’s a word that means business!) here’s a photo:

Watching the band from under the tableAlways leave ’em wanting more, that’s what I say! No, seriously folks, here’s a better picture:

Oh, snap, suckah! I played you again! Guess you’ll just have to check them out for yourselves!

Also, that band I told you about from Austin, Okkerville River, are putting out a new cd on May 10. I realize that they are not for everybody, but I am a fan, and I can’t wait! Listen to that cd here:


Lost: My ability to sleep through the night. It’s been touch and go for awhile, but it’s all over now. Thank goodness for the BBC. And Nyquil, or as I like to call it, “Crystal Blue Persuasion.” I am growing fond of the mild hallucinations I succumb to during the day, so the sleep deprivation really isn’t all that bad.

Lost: My patience. I am so glad the school year is almost over, because I am really finding it difficult to be tactful or polite to those I work with every day. A boy told me he didn’t know why he couldn’t remember to bring paper to school with him, and it was all I could do not to tell him that the obvious reason that he had these lapses was because he was very, very stupid, and that I have known that ever since I met him last year, when he was a freshman for the first time. I told my principal that I had to break protocol by calling an ambulance for a student that couldn’t breathe and was having chest pains instead of taking her to the clinic because the nurse is incompetent and doesn’t have the authority to hand out aspirin, and that she could stick her protocol in her protocolon. OK, I didn’t actually say that, but I thought it really loudly. And finally, I told these kids who have been shyly flirting with each other for the entire year to go ahead and get a room and get it over with, because their pent-up hormonal desire was becoming tiresome and quasi-distasteful to me. Oh, all right! Again, I guess the word ‘told’ is a little strong here, as no actual words escaped my throat. Still and all, I really feel like I’m gonna blow soon, fo’ reals!

Found: I found a field full of fireflies. If you haven’t seen one lately, it is every bit as wondrous and delightful as you remember it to be.

Found: Under my bed, a shirt I have never laid eyes upon. That’s odd. It’s a little big and definitely not mine, but I do LOVE gifties, so I will accept it with pleasure.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for the shirt! It was very thoughtful of you, and I frequently find myself in situations in which it behooves me to not be naked, so I will be able to use it often. You always know just what I like! Love ya like a sis, and stay sweet,                                                                                                                                   AVR

Found: In TIME magazine, it was reported that Americans purchased approximately 330 million cases of wine in 2010, making us for the first time the world’s largest wine-consuming nation. USA! USA! I really had to step up my own personal boozing to help us kick some French wino ass, but I’m a patriot, and I do what I can, selflessly, so here’s to me! Of course, I didn’t do it alone, and so I’d like to thank a few of those that helped me achieve this honor:
Please note that most of these lushes are three fisted drinkers, and only one of them is still able to stand. Everyone meant to show how much fun they were having for the photo, but their mouth muscles were too drunk to smile. It happens.

I think someone slipped a tiny oil slick into this glass. That’s all right. A little BP additive just lubes the throat and helps everything slide down real quicklike.

When I drank this glass, I saw drunk people! Creepy, right?

Anyhow, I know I am forgetting someone or something, but that’s the beauty of being hammered.

So, all things considered, many gains to few losses; it’s been a terrific month! I did miss you, though…

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! I also found a dog! I found him at the pound, where, coincidentally, I was looking for him.

Congratulations to Bonnie and Matthew on their wedding, and to Big Salty on her upcoming birthday! Also, Happy-So-Close-To-Being-A-Full-On-Mom to JR and to all you Big, Bad Muthas out there, Happy, happy day to you!

And Another Thing

I am the president of the “…and another thing.” Well, maybe not the president; my sister and my friend Trixie can and another thing you death, but I am at least the Ambassador to Canada of “…and another thing.” For reasons unfathomable even to myself, I am basically unable to get out a complete thought, opinion or statement in just one sentence. Or one sitting. I will say something like, “I am going to Whole Foods. I need to get stuff for dinner. I’m considering spaghetti. But I always forget if you are supposed to boil the water first and then add the noodles, or the other way around. You’d think I’d know by now. And another thing – I always make too much spaghetti, and then I have to eat it for days. Why is it that no matter how much you crave spaghetti, you’re pretty much over it after you’ve had a bowl full? And another thing I’m like that with: tacos. They’re really good and all, but once I’ve had my fill, I am done with the taco! But you know what I’m not like that with? Those deep-fried, kind of gross, faux-cheddar cheese stuffed jalapenos that come frozen and are served in crappy dives throughout the South. Man, I love those things! I could eat a billion of them! And another thing I could eat forever: blueberries! One time, I ate so many blue berries in one sitting that…”

You get the idea. And that was just when I’m talking to myself. Fortunately, as I think I have made abundantly clear, I don’t really need anyone else to uphold his/her end of the conversation in order to get me to open up. Worse still, I often forget what I’ve already said- there’s just so much of it!- and so, maybe minutes, maybe days later, I will repeat myself. Or I’ll remember the conversation, but will feel compelled to revisit it and add just one more thing.
I am trying to choose my words wisely and say less, with the hopes that what I choose to say will be more meaningful and significant, as opposed to the many, many things I utter that are trivial, uninteresting or trite. But I doubt that’s going to happen.
And another thing that I am trying to cut down on is all that is whiny, high pitched or mumbled. Probably won’t be too successful with that one either. You may or may not recall what happened to me when I tried to stop complaining back in Aught Nine. If you wish to review, look through the post labels on the right side of the blog and click on the ones labelled complaints or complaining. I another thinged three times before I got that one out of my system.
Anyway, the reason I’m writing about this is because I just wrote a long post about 10/10/2010, and it turns out I’m not done. I have another thing. Or two.

“Angry Ventriloquist” by Edie Brickell. Copyrighted, you dirty image thief.

These are other things that have come through my email, again used without permission:
“BTW, I love the word SEGUE. It’s the ultimate F-U to sound it out.” -K.E.

“You are not on Facebook.” -Scott
“You could pick a totally silly fictitious name to get on FB just to spy on everyone and not tell anyone your fake name.” -LSD

TO Scott, FROM me: Duh! Thanks for the update! Did you think I just forgot to sign up for the most massive, cult like, stalkerish, Big-Brother-would-be-proud social media network into which my generation has ever willingly mass-enrolled?

TO LSD, FROM me: Or, I could just call everyone and say something like, “Hey, what’s up?” Since I actually know all the people I care about, it’s a pretty good system…

And another thing – I saw Catfish recently. I liked it. It made me think about identity, and all the people that are wrapped inside of a single being. And another thing it made me think about: how Facebook sucks!

“One day [at the post office] there was this really skanky neighborhood girl in line in front of me. She was leaning against the government-issued clock on the wall, trying to be sexy and flirting with the young guys behind the counter. As she leaned on the clock, the wire screen protector over the clock came unhinged and loudly crashed to the floor. The startled post office guys warned her that she’d better quickly pick it up. She sheepishly replied, “I cain’t…I ain’t got no panties on.” After I told that story at [my job] the phrase echoed…as the all-purpose excuse to avoid getting out of work. I should say an all-purpose excuse, as there were many, including the very popular ‘I’m too high’.” -L

My dad sent me this. He’s a bit of a religious scholar.

Also, another thing: My friend Jonob – not his real name, but funnier this way- sent me these outstanding Tell It In Ten additions:
On a Doomed Relationship:
Christ, I’m fucking bored. I need to get some strange.
On the Cusp of Change:
Autumn has come so fast. I barely smelled summer’s sweat.
Shall we have Tell it In Ten Again? OK! We will! Writer’s Challenge #5 is to sum up thoughts about the following three topics or themes:

The First Time

Nervous Habit


Another Thing

If you know me, email your submissions. If you don’t know me, post in the comment box and then I’ll delete them and publish them officially at a later date. Whoever you are, be sure to let me know how you would like to be credited. Come on people! Don’t leave me hangin’! Get them creative juices gushin’! I shouldn’t have to be the only one writing this blog, right?

I’d like to get started on it right this second, but I cain’t – I ain’t got no panties on.

One other thing…
Here are three stellar songs about psycho killers but that are not actually the song that is called “Psycho Killer”:
WARNING: These are about psycho killers! They are creepy and disturbing! Watch at your own peril!
“Tyler” by The Toadies

“Stan” by Eminem (NOTE- This one is a little lame because it’s all censored up, but still)

“Westfall” by Okkervil River (There are many live versions, but this way you can really hear the lyrics)

Two other things…

Can anyone tell me why I can no longer post these blogs in a colored font?
I know you didn’t look at
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com or arealgoodblog.blogspot.com like I told you to – do it! What are you waiting for? Jump on it, Tonto!!
THE END …or is it?

Three coins in the Fountain- and they’re all dimes! Part One

In honor of the tenth day of the tenth month of 2010, here are ten things to consider:

1. In May of 2009, I offered a Writer’s Challenge, in which writers were asked to explore three subjects in only ten words. I was so impressed with what they came up with, that I decided to let you revisit it here: http://smalleradventure.blogspot.com/2009/06/ten-years-later-here-are-ten-words.html
3. Three bands to check out: Prescott Curlywolf is a band that is now defunct, but that doesn’t stop me from becoming a new fan about four years too late. Big deal, right? I first heard of them when a friend turned me on to the Damnations, which was also a great band, but also, alas, no more. http://www.last.fm/music/The+Damnations+TX/+tracks
The guitar player, Rob Bernard, went on to Prescott Curlywolf, and since then I have bought up every cd I can find, and regret that I never got to see them live. Fortunately, if they are dead, they have been reincarnated, in a manner of speaking, into this new band, Mandible, that I also really want to see someday. They are from Austin, so check them out if you are in the area. Unless, of course, they are an ex-band also. It’s hard to tell. Here’s where you can check out some Prescott Curlywolf: http://www.myspace.com/prescottcurlywolf
and here is a Mandible video:

So, yeah, that’s only the first of the three bands I wanted to tell you about. The next is Okkerville River, also from Austin, also a band that has been around for a long time, but for me a relatively new dicovery. I love them. Will Sheff, the singer-songwriter is a poet. Each song is a story, and they are almost always tortured, which as you know, is right up my alley. They are dramatic and beautifully crafted. I searched for a video to embed, but I couldn’t decide on which one; such a cool band! You should just Youtube them, or buy any of their cds. They are all good.
The last band of the three (you got a lot of extra band for your buck, right?!) is Darker My lLove. I’m not sure I like them so much. But you might. And I like their blog. I think they are clever.
4. Here are 4 random things that have come from emails people have sent me recently. I’m totally ripping them off, posting them without asking, so I’m keeping it on the DL so nobody will tell me I can’t. If you see something you wrote, and you want me to remove it, or if you want credit for it, let me know.
“Good? There is no good! The world is awash in evil, pandemonium and misery. Except for me. I’m all brilliance, light, and joy.”
” ‘Write to bare arms.’ Genius. What is the address?”
“Speaking of oo-la-la, did i ever tell you there’s a sledding hill on the east side of central park that we nicknamed ‘oo-la-la hill’? it’s a few blocks from the lycee de francais in NYC and all the french moms brought their little ones there and chatted with each other on the top of the snowy hill as their children took turns sledding down and then trudging back up. every time a kid went down and picked up speed over a bump or swerved and didn’t slow down upon reaching the stacked hay bumpers at the bottom, a mom would cry out in a kind of concerned coo, “oo la la!” so you heard things like, “oui, je pense – OOH LA LAAA! PIIIERRRE!… (petite sigh)- d’accord” every few minutes until you packed it up and pulled your sled on home over the west side hills, where the new york moms could be heard saying things like, “seriously, these snow boots were on sale, so I got the next size up for next yeuh -OH MY GAWD! REEUBENNN!…(fat sigh)…so, anyway…”
“Don’t be talkin’ ’bout me when I’m not around!” (Haha! I did it again!)
5. I want to do this: The Sketchbook Project: 2011. It’s so cool. If clicking on that box doesn’t work, go here: http://www.arthousecoop.com/sketchbookproject . I want to do the one that is called “In 5 Minutes.” I want to do my page(s), and then pass it off to someone, and then he/she passes it on, until ten people have contributed, all connected strangers, and then I want it to come back, so that I can see what it has become, and then off it goes again, until it’s done. Do it with me! Come on! Do it! I’ll pay for the sketchbook and I’ll pay postage, to wherever.
6. Six Pics that say “So long, Summer, and Fall, you look fabulous!”
P.S. These are my pictures. Don’t steal them. Consider them copyrighted, and don’t be a douchebag.

Ah, the colors of autumn!

7. Seven words I have recently looked up: ONEIRIC, QUEEN, FASCIATE, QUIS (may be ok in Iphone Scrabble, but not in my dictionary!) and LOVE.
8. I ate leek and potato soup for this first time of the season! Fall is delicious!
9. Number nine…number nine…number nine…
10. 10/10/10: A good day, indeed.