“Ah, No, Nobody Knows….”

…where I comes and where I goes.” – Aerosmith, “Dream On”

That’s the thing about this blog. You don’t know. You don’t know if you’ll come to the site and check it, and here it will be, or maybe months will go by, and you can swim a cyber ocean, and still not find me a’sunnin’ my whitey hiney on this remote interbeach.  Maybe I’ve just vanished – POOF- into thin air, as opposed to that fat air you typically find in the winter, when the weather is chilly and needs to add some extra layers, being as weather is not allowed to come inside to warm up. Then, all of a sudden, I’m back, and you’re all excited, expecting something great, something original, a bit of the funky fresh. You log on expecting to find wit, or profundity, or maybe a little of the old knock-knock-who’s-there, and instead of some pirate joke I can’t exactly remember, you get nothin’ but a poop frittata; sometimes several crapcakes in one week. You just never know.

Ayup. That’s just the way I roll. I’m sexy mysterious like that. Like a mystery in high heels and a veil. And a red 1977 Cadillac, for no reason at all.

Why is it that one side of the Q-tip is all puffy like a soft cloud of peace, and the other end is just a lollipop stick with a flimsy cotton comb over?

Is there a physiological reason that I have to make that face when I put on mascara?

Do you ever feel a sharp pain run up your inner arm when you doo-doo? Me neither. That would be weird.

I broke my camera. I dropped it on its little mechanical face. RIP, little Canon with the zoom lens!

Do you think that your clothes get jealous when you constantly choose the pants with the expanding waistband and the loose, flowy blouse over them, in their snug-fitting stylishness? Screw those non-worn clothes, I say, no matter how sadly they hang in your closet! They had their chance to expand!

Two lions suddenly attacked and killed another lion at the zoo the other day, while  a crowd of humans watched.The lions had lived together for years – two were even siblings- but the people were mostly strangers. Beware of people -or animals- that you know, especially if they are your siblings. Strangers who watch helpless beings murder each other in cages are safe, and you should stick with that pack.

In a related story, I think my dog is poisoning me in the night. I wake up choking and sobbing with revulsion, and he just lays on the floor near the bed, laughing and pulling his own fingers.

The mayor of Toronto cracks me up,but he has also left me with a deep moral dilemma. I know it’s wrong to anxiously await his next move, on account of he’s just not well and needs help.You shouldn’t laugh at him. I am kind of laughing with him while I’m laughing at him, though. I mean, how great would it feel to say, “Yeah, assholes, who amongst us hasn’t smoked crack when we’re hammered? And believe you me, I like oral sex!”  Go, Rob! Hang in there, buddy! I know it’s wrong, and I do feel badly, but that shit’s priceless! Solid gold, I tell ya!

Oh wait…now I feel badly about it again. But also, he’s so funny!

Well, it finally happened. I hate to tell you this, loyal fans, but tonight it became official – I am out of touch. My finger is only on the knee of what is hip and cool and now. In case you don’t know it, the knee is not a pulse point. It’s a bone. Tonight, I didn’t know who the host or the musical guest of Saturday Night Live was. And also, it’s Saturday at 11:00 and I’m home watching SNL. That was cool when I was in 7th grade;  it was already uncool when I was in 9th grade. Now I give the grade, and stay home on Saturday night.That’s totally pathetic. Wah, wah.

Last night I fell asleep to a Night Vale ep and had the weirdest dream. That’s not surprising at all, right? I don’t even know why I mentioned it.

Will Thanksgiving vacation never come?

Peace out. peeps. I’ll be talkin’ at you soon. Maybe. Maybe not. You don’t know. Buy me a new camera.

Love,

Me

 

 

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