Oh, Limp Picks!

The main reason I am writing this post is because I wanted to use this brilliant title in a timely manner. (Think about it…brilliant and timely, right? I made that up!) Unfortunately, I ran into an unforeseeable problem; how could I have known that it would prove difficult to write about “limp picks”? Like, for example, what am I even talking about here? Attempting to excavate the crusted contents of one’s nasal cavities with the fingers of a broken hand? Trying to play the guitar with picks made of American cheese slices? Would it be filling my post with photos so poorly taken or implausible that they can’t stand up to even passing scrutiny?   I decided that maybe I would interpret limo picks to be about decisions made not because of conviction, but borne only out of the necessity to decide. Like Mitt Romney. Nobody likes him all that much, but the Republicans had to come up with some candidate, so they picked Mitt, but limply. That would be a good thing to post about, except that’s all I really have to say about that.

Maybe limp picks are kind of lame picks, kind of the lesser of two evils, like: which would you rather have, lice or crabs? Both have their benefits, ya know. Would you rather be chased or chaste? Either one kinda sucks. Be eaten by nutria or the dreaded snakehead fish? Rock and a hard place. You catch my drift* here, right?

Really, pretty much anything I choose to write about in this post is a limp pick, because I am writing it only to support a lame pun. But I guess you realized that by now.

Here is what I really want to write about:

1. I love that new show The Newsroom. I know, everybody does, but you and I are not really interested in their opinions, right?  Why don’t we have real news like that, the kind that has integrity and facts, and when there is speculation or punditry, it is presented as such, and is well-researched and delivered in mellifluous, witty Sorkinese? I would be so into that! I am sick of watching the news and seeing reporters blather on about stuff they don’t know (not that there is anything wrong with that, like in a blog or something, but not the news, for Chrissakes!) , or they try to keep us glued to our tv’s with sensational, salacious words or pictures. (“No new developments have come to light about the shooter or his motivations, but we would like to discuss the lack of pertinent information for the next seven minutes, as it is our lead story. Here are some live images of people grieving. Wow, that guy is really sad! Look at his real time tears!”)

I like that Newsroom likes what I like (politics, overwrought sentences, rants, Jeff Daniels, a love that is utterly impossible but you know it will work out in the end), and doesn’t  like the stuff that I don’t like (Sarah Palin, the Koch brothers, the Tea Party, stories about people named Brittany). Also, my friend says I remind her of Emily Mortimer. I like that. Mostly people say I remind them of Amy Sedaris, and she’s funny and creative and all, but I think she’s zany and probably high on crank, so that’s not such a compliment. Emily Mortimer is cool, smart, elegant – much more like me. Also, she’s British, which means she’s classy, because she knows the queen.

Amy Sedaris, Jerriblank.comEmily Mortimer

2. This just in! I have it on good authority, from a reliable source that actually knows him, that Matthew McConaughey is smart. I knew it! Told ya he was no January Jones or Keanu Reeves! Yeah, he likes to party and play naked bongos, but so did Einstein! Stuff like that is a mark of intelligence, and sometimes dummies don’t recognize it.

3. I think I eat the most on the days that I am the least active. That doesn’t seem right.

4. I think that they should build bars in dog parks. A person gets awful thirsty standing around in the heat pretending to think other people’s dogs are cute, or dodging enormous poo-mines that are supposed to be cleaned up, but that nobody really does, or throwing piss-encrusted sticks. They could serve snacks and call them “bones” or “treats”, and the drinks could be called “bowls”. They could even be served in bowls, and sorority girls could drink them with their little pink tongues! So cute! The most popular drink would be advertised as a hang-over cure and would be called “Hair of the Dog”.They could have drink specials on Goldschnauzer shots, or on other drinks with catchy names like “Pina Collie-das” or “Shih Tzus and Tonics”. (I’ll have to work on the catchy names.) I think I would have a lot more fun at the dog park, if I could be sipping on a cold Terriertini.

5. While I was out of town I found out that the Texas GOP has included an edict against teaching critical thinking skills and multiculturalism in the education portion of their official platform. http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/06/26/506357/the-5-craziest-policies-in-texas-republicans-2012-platform/?mobile=nc.The Party is pro-corporal punishment and abstinence only sexual education (which manages to take the education bit right out of sex ed.) and, if the goal is to reduce teenage pregnancy, has proven spectacularly ineffective; according to the CDC, Texas had the fourth highest pregnancy rate for teen 15-19 in the nation. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db89.htm California, which is full of sluts and nuts, embraced the concept of comprehensive sex education in the ’90’s and was 29th in the nation for 2010. http://offthekuff.com/wp/?p=45127 (I apologize to any sluts , nuts, or Californians who may have become offended or aroused by that last sentence.)

Now, you guys know me. You know how I feel about things like thinking, and my whole ‘knowledge is power’ trip, and how I don’t feel like you should hit people to make your point clear, and my ideas on how kids having kids seldom works out well for anyone. Also, I believe in science, and that social programs that benefit most of the people are generally good things, and that the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which outlawed racially discriminatory voting practices, should stand, as opposed to the Texas GOP, who believe it should be repealed.

I could go on and on. But for right now, let me just say that it is official: The first ever Oh, Limp Pick! Award goes to The Republican Party of Texas for choosing to be a bunch of assholes, and to those of this great state who repeatedly vote them back into power. Congratulations, Texas!

*“Catch my drift” is a strange expression. To drift is a verb, and yet here it is used as a noun. I can’t think of any other situation where it is used like this!**

Remember when you were in high school and you would get high with your friends at a slumber party or something, and then someone would say something like, “Dude, did you eat that whole bag of Oreos?”, and then in your head you’d say, “OREO, OREO”  for what seemed like hours, and then finally you’d say it out loud, but it came out all weird, like, “EEyore-O” or, “Oh! Rio!”, and you would forget what an Oreo looked like, or tasted like, or even what an Oreo was, and then you’d start thinking of that song by Duran Duran, and then you’d think Duran, Duran, the Rio Grande, and then you’d think of how the Rio Grande was just a big crater, oh, no, wait, that’s the Grand Canyon, which is in the desert, and then someone would say, “Dude, get up! You’re sitting on the Oreos! You’re squishing out all the tasty creme filling!”, and then you’d laugh and laugh and remember that you were really thirsty, perhaps more thirsty than you’d ever been in your life.

That’s was ‘to drift’ for sure.

**Oh yeah. ‘Snow drift’. That’s a noun. Never mind.

BONUS: http://www.jerriblank.com

3 thoughts on “Oh, Limp Picks!

  1. you like all the same things i like…

    and you dislike all the same things i dislike…

    pretty much…

    and you remain the coolest person i know…

    • Oh, Mr. L., that is so sweet! And since you and I both LOVE getting gifties via the post, please know that your check is in the mail!
      😉 Thank you!

  2. I won’t go into the GOP bullshit again, you’ve already heard my rants on that! I will, however, comment on the getting high in high school portion. I didn’t know you in high school but I swear we must’ve been at the same party, you know, the one with the Oh! Rios! Only it was Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” that I heard. For hours. And hours. Thanks for writing this post, it made me laugh.

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