Harvey Richman (c) 2010 “Bad News”
According to my interpretation of a definition from Dictionary.com of the word, ‘news’ doesn’t have to be interesting or important. That’s good, cuz interstin’ an’ potent, ain’t really my thang, if you feel me, blood. What, what! Holla! Look at my shoes!* That being said, here is all the Smaller Adventure News for this moment in time. Enjoy!
*This is how an ex-student of mine, Deonte, used to talk. He was HI- larious with a capital HI. One time he came in to class right after getting a new hair cut. He stared at himself in a little mirror he always kept with him and couldn’t concentrate on anything that was being said, which was not even remotely unusual. After about 45 minutes he began to wave his hand around wildly. I was pleased that something I said had finally triggered some academic curiosity in this – I kid you not – three time freshman. “Miss! Miss!”
Though I had Deonte in class a total of 5 times – again, no shit – he never manged to learn my name.
“Miss! Do my head look like a butt?”
I miss Deonte.
1. 2010 has started off with a bang! I went to a great wedding and became, for a short while, that middle aged lady at the reception who can only find one shoe. Yeah, I like to party!
2. I installed a program on my blog that let’s me see a map of from where people have accessed my blog. I am proud to report that Tulsa, OK, Glen Mills, PA and Dayton, OH have all checked in. California, Connecticut, New York and Alabama have recognized my brilliance. Ontario, The British Virgin Islands and Viersan, Nordrhein-Wesfalen, Germany have also represented. I think they took a wrong turn in Googleville and ended up in a strange and frightening land. I am most popular in the Lone Star State, with fans from Sugarland to San Angelo, Austin to Arlington, and Lewisville to Laredo. (OK, not really Laredo, but I was doing a poetic licence kind of thing.) Don’t think that all of this TRANS-GLOBAL attention is going to my head, though. I remain the same, humble, down-to-earth genius you have come to depend on to brighten your mundane, Kafkaesque lives. It’s what I do, people. Also, did you notice I have a new counter at the top of this page? I don’t pay any attention to it. It’s just a number, not a mark of my popularity or vast readership. However, I have noticed that when you go in and out of this site multiple times in any given day, a fabulous prize is delivered to your home within 7-10 business days! It’s totally amazing! Try it, why don’tcha!
3. I am reading this book called Let the Great World Spin, by Colum McCan, and I lovelovelove it! I also like the name Colum. If you give your son that name, he will be destined to become a pillar of society. It’s true. I once knew a girl named Velvet Vulva, and guess what she turned out to be…
4. My niece and nephew have created their own television network that you can only get on ImaginationTV. It’s called SPL, which stands for Simplicity of Potty Language, and features the hit new series, “There Was a Boy and Then He Farted.” I would totally tune in, if I had an imagination.
5. Spoon has come out with a new cd. Spoon is wicked cool. I think the lead singer, Britt Daniel, ( Hello, group. My name is AVR, and I’m a name dropper…) has a crush on me.
Oh yeah. The name of the cd is Transference.
6. Some of you may recall that my mom, a woman as elegant and sophisticated as she is intellectual and talented, is prone to mangling words and phrases in the English language. She’s French, but that’s no excuse. She loves to sing, but never knows the words, and the chorus to all of her favorite songs, from Brel to the Beatles, is “lalalalala.” She calls me every morning to make sure I am awake for work. (So?! You use an alarm clock, I use my mom! Same diff!) Here is a recent morning conversation:
Mom: Good Morning! Rise and Shine! How are you?
Mom: Oh yes! I did sleep well! Really well! Exceedingly well, in fact! Like a – how do you say it? I slept like a raccoon! A beaver? One of those animals that smells?
Me: Did you just say you slept like a beaver, Mom?
Mom: No, you know, an animal that sleeps peacefully!
Me: You slept like a lamb?
Mom: No! Don’t be stupid! Why would I say that?
7. Em is a hero. Chm Chm is a writer. Denichiwa is rewarded for excellence and soaring once again. KB is a soon-to-be-frequent reader. Yay! E.D. is refusing to follow the god of rock flute any longer. Wise move. McAdams made it to the home of Furniture World, Nebraska, and is reportedly cold. Paul is in Switzerland, skiing. Wheeee! Eduardo is…well, you know what you are!