Dear Jon

Yesterday was Jon Stewart’s birthday. I love Jon Stewart. I am thankful that he hangs out with me Monday through Friday, and that even on his birthday, he wants to be with me, on the couch, in a Snuggie. 

First of all, full disclosure: Jon Stewart is HOT. My thing for him is not – I repeat, NOT – the 100% pure respect of one fake journalist for another. So I’m not merely interested in his mind. So what? I have needs,too! I’m only human!

But I’m fond of his big, muscular brain as well. I think he is so smart and clever, plus he cares about the same things I do. On his b’day ep he railed about stuff that had really been bothering me. We both get angry about the same things, only he’s way more adorable when he’s pissed. The cutest I’ve ever been when I am angry is one time when I climbed on the table and stamped my foot. I know what you’re thinking- that’s typical five-year-old behavior; what’s the big deal? All kids are cute when they’re miffed! Well, take this, Little Mr. Dis-How-Cute-I-Am – I was 44! Suck it kindergartners! I take your baby rage to a whole new level! Bam!

But that’s not really my point. I’m talking ’bout my Jonnycakes. He went  on a tear about the students from UC Davis, who, while peacefully and passively protesting, were systematically pepper sprayed by campus police officers. Like Jonny-on-the-spot, I could not believe my eyes when I saw the footage someone caught on his or her cellphone. That is some messed-up, tin-soldiers-and-Nixon’s-coming-kind-of-shit, right? I mean, those kids were just sitting there, heads bowed like lambs that were resigned to being somebody’s someday cloud vision, when all of a sudden, this boot wearing, helmeted rent-a-cop thug calmly walks back and forth with a bright red socket searing spray unleashed at fist’s length. What the hell? Aren’t we guaranteed the right to protest peacefully?

Jonny-come-lately was upset about this also. We are both very sensitive.

Jonny Angel was also freaked out about the crazy wackadoo who pepper sprayed fellow shoppers for X-Boxes. Me too. That’s crazy! Jumpin’ Jonny no like.

Oh, Jon! I feel your pain! Life is hard for people like us! We just want everyone to be happy. We want goodness, light, and Leo Sayer tunes. Even when this bad old world lets you down, Jonny, just know that I’ll be there for you, because I love ya, Jonny, I love ya deep, I love ya hard, and I’ll love ya forever.

Happy birthday and stay gold.


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