Passing Phase?

I got a feeling, it’s incomplete
I got a feeling, and then it got to me…
Spoon

I think I am on the cusp. Really it’s a scary place to be, because A.) I might have to change, and B.) because I realize that unless I put my money where my mouth is and get off my ass and jam, I will heretofore live in a world of shameful regret. Nobody wants that shit. It’s awful when you have nobody to blame but yourself.
I have a friend, Orlando, who once said, “Don’t let the beauty of this world blind you from the beauty of others.” He’s got a point. I have so many things going on in this world that are positive. I have my family, whom I adore. They are everything to me. I have my girl friends, which is new to me; I’ve been a guy’s girl for most of my life. I have students who love me. They compliment me on my ponytail. That’s really kind, and sort of a deceptive, desperate pandering, but I don’t mind. I have all these people who are pulling for me, hoping I’ll make it, praying for my personal fulfillment, and I’m healthy and wealthy and live in a world of opportunity. And yet, I am getting more and more stagnant and depressed. I want to help myself, but I am so afraid to go from the fire into the frying pan. I am confined to the idea that this feeling is just a passing phase, which it may well be. What will I do? Will I leave all that is sure and holy to venture into the unknown and see what’s what out there? That’s just not like me. What about the garden? What about my parents? Still, I could change, and try something new. I do like a good adventure, and there are a million ways to be happy. I am liminal, with one foot in one reality and one in a fantasy. I ask you, what shall I do?

2 thoughts on “Passing Phase?

  1. IT's not fair to ask someone who's living in fear and is willing to live in a dark hole her whole life. Aside from wanting to point the finger at my mom and anyone who has brought me down, I simply do a 180 degree to my long narrowed index finger…

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