Ah, the question on all of our minds, the one we never tire of asking, the query that keeps us from our slumber: what the heck have I been up to?

Since we last said our fond farewells I have:

1. Trick or treated.  Last year I was civil rights activist Angela Davis. This year I was a middle aged lady who handed out healthy snacks to neighborhood kids all hopped up on the sugar smack, and said things like, “Sure I’ll give you a treat…just show me a trick!”  My favorites were the little boy who said, “I can run like the wind!”, and took off down the block, never to return, and the girl who said, “He’s fat, so he looks big, but he’s just a baby. He can’t do anything but cry and caca.”

2. I have seen zero movies. This saddens me. I have, however, started watching “The Masters of Sex” on Showtime, which I like a lot. Why wouldn’t I? I like sex, and one day I will master it, so there’s something. I have also been listening to the podcast “Welcome to Night Vale.’ You’ve probably already tuned in, because apparently it’s the most popular podcast in the US and the UK.You can read an article about it here: http://www.wired.com/underwire/2013/08/night-vale-podcast-itunes/ , or listen to eps here: http://podbay.fm/show/536258179 I love it. I think it’s deep.

3. I found a twenty dollar bill and then, much later, a ten dollar bill. Both times they were in the gutter, partially covered with leaves, and both times they represented a dilemma for me. See, I know that finders are keepers and losers are rubber and you are glue, but I feel sort of like I’m stealing when I swoop down like a hawk on free money. I don’t know who it belongs to, but I do know it isn’t  mine, and maybe whoever lost it will be freaking out, retracing his steps, hoping against hope that some greedy asshole didn’t just look down and pocket the milk money, or the money you owe the mean kid from the playground, or whatever.

The first time I gave the $20 to someone who needed it. The tenner has been sitting on my dresser for a week, but today I’m going to buy dental floss and batteries with it, on account of nobody’s perfect, and if the universe is smiling at me, I don’t want to smile back with something weird stuck in my teeth.                                      .

3. I went to a concert in a big arena with lots of strangers, and ran into friends by the bathroom. I forgot that I love concerts. Also, I went to a club and was asked to sing on stage. I think that will probably never happen again in my whole life, which is probably for the best, but it sure was fun.

I’ve been listening to the latest Queens of the Stone Age and Okkerville River albums lately, but since we last spoke, the cd that’s been in the heaviest rotation is Pod, by The Breeders. I tried to give it to a friend, and he was all “Dude, that’s so 1990!” He has a point, on account of it was released in 1990, but I didn’t care for his tone. Not so with the cd, though; it has a fine tone! It’s glorious. I love the music – at times haunting and stalking, enraged, screeching and snarling, or pure and poppy. It reminds me of a time- I guess one would call that time “the 90’s”- that I had pretty much forgotten.  I love the Deal sisters’ voices, especially when you can almost hear the Nyquil dripping off their vocal chords, or when they go from sweet to strong. You can hear the whole album on youtube.

4. I was invited to go to California twice and Niagra Falls once, but didn’t go anywhere. That was probably some stinkin’ thinkin’ on my part. Happy, happy birthday, Jono! I should have come and celebrated with you!

5. An eight year old turned me on to this game called “Dumb Ways to Die.” It’s addictive. Get the free app. Also, while you’re there, check out the video. Doesn’t the lady who sings sound like Edie Brickell? I will point out that perhaps the dumbest way to die is to be eaten by a bear. It’s totally avoidable, if you can figure out how to avoid it. That’s the trick. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: bears are assholes.

6. Trixie had a birthday. Kathie had a birthday. Denichiwa had a birthday. My parents had their 54th anniversary. I’ve been celebrating my ass off, and frankly, I’m tired of giving others good wishes and presents. Still and all, I’m glad all these people were born (or gave birth) to me. My life is so much better (or existent) with you in it, and I love you all.

Oh, hell. Your presents are in the mail.

7. I have probably watched one billion hours of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, because I watch it every single night before I go to bed. Did you know that Rhoda Morgenstern’s parents were Ida and Marvin? That Georgette has great legs? That Mr. Grant and Mary’s aunt had a long on-again-off-again romance? I did. I knew all of that.

8. Umm, yeah. It’s been two months…I’m sure I’ve done something else in all that time…

9. I have not used the following words at all in the last two months: brouhaha, Uranus, rohypnol, Slovenian, verboten, yaw, or zither. I think what we can learn from this is that I clearly suffer from a subconscious revulsion or fear of words that contain letters from the last  half of the alphabet. I am an uvwxyzenophobe. Shit. Something else I have to work on.

10. Here is a picture of my dog looking like a wise horse. It was his Halloween costume.

 He looks a little forlorn. That’s because he wants a walk. I should do that. I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of all the wildly interesting things I’ve done since last we met, but could you deny this face?

Au revoir, mes amis! Until we meet again!

Special thanks to DM for reminding me that this post was Overdue:30. Happy? Good! Now shut yer piehole! 😉