When I was younger and she was still alive, I used to call my grandmother and we would watch “The Miss America Pageant” over the phone together. I’d call her up and we’d both get snacks – ice cream and pretzels for her, Nyquil and cheese for me- and then hunker down for a night of unadulterated catty judgement about the contestants teeth, legs, walks, hair, IQ – you name it, we cakked about it.

One time, in an effort to make her laugh, I said, “Look at them all! Strumpets, trollops and roundheels, every one of them, especially that Miss Iowa!” Sometimes I liked to talk to her in the vernacular of the 1930’s, in order to remind her of just how hep this cat really is.

“Mmmm, ” Mom Mom replied, sucking the salt off of a pretzel. “You never know about those girls from the Midwest. They look innocent enough, but a lot of them are whores. Your Aunt Edith was.”

Well, that may or may not have really happened, but the point is, I miss my Mom Mom, and I want to watch the whores on parade.Since absolutely nobody I know will watch the pageant with me, I have decided to watch it with you, my blogging public.Hooray! You’re welcome! Here are my observations:

1. OK, so I missed the first 15 minutes. Had to go to the drugstore for the Quil, which now comes in the delicious “Why the Hell Not?” flavor, for when you aren’t sick at all, but you just want to dose yourself. Ah, Progress! Here’s to you!

2.”Even though I’m lactose intolerant, Ben and Jerry are still my two favorite guys!” Those were the welcoming words of Miss Vermont 2013, introducing herself to the TV nation. Check your DVR’s people! That really just happened!

3. Nowadays they have judges and then also celebrity judges who are obviously much more important. With the exception of grown-up boyband singer Lance Bass, I don’t know who any of them are, but there are eight of them, each more qualified than the next.

4. Here are your 15 semi-finalists, America!

Miss California and  Miss New York have parents who are immigrants, and they represent the American Dream and The American Spirit. Miss Texas is always in the semi-finals. It’s like a law. But this year she’s also black, so maybe it has to do with the content of her character, and not how she looks on the outside. Dr. King would be so proud! Miss Oklahoma’s last name is Griswold. Miss Connecticut wants redheads to be proud of their freckles. Miss Georgia wants to inspire people to make a difference. Miss Mississippi has wanted to be Miss America for her very whole life. It’s Miss Arkansas’ birthday. Miss Missouri has some friends in the audience. Miss Kentucky is certified in theatrical unarmed fight combat. Miss Maryland is taking business classes so that she can one day open a preschool for disabled kids. One would think she might be taking child development or education classes, but business is good, too. Miss Florida spells her first name Myrrhanda. Her sister is named Frankensenstina. Maybe. Miss Wisconsin has the Barbie doll who is the doctor. Miss Minnesota’s brother has autism. Miss Kansas joined the army when she was 17, and has a big tattoo of the Serenity Prayer covering her left side. It makes me proud that other countries know that the people who are bombing them take, as Jesus did, the sinful world as it is and not as they would have it, and that they are beautiful.

No matter where they are from, their ethnicity, or their cultural background, all the contestants look suspiciously the same.

5. There was a contestant with a deformed arm. She didn’t make the cut. Mom Mom would have  would have wished that she would have made it to the semi-finals before she got kicked out..That’s only right.

6. According to what I can observe from the swimsuit competition, all the contestants are slutty Midwesterners. Stacked, slutty Midwesterners, except for Miss Kentucky. She’s just a slut.

So, I instantly feel badly about saying that. Really, she’s not that flat-chested at all.

7. Evening wear time!Guess what? Miss Kentucky didn’t make the cut! She doesn’t even get to wear the pretty princess dress! Coincidence? You be the celebrity judge! Don’t worry, though- the Army lady is still in! Hoo-rah, or whatever Army folk say when one of their guys gets to wear the princess gown. (Do you think they say, Damn, SPF Jones, you’re lookin’ Semper FLY!”?)

8. Evening wear is boring. The dresses are ugly and not nearly slutty enough. Interesting fact: Miss New York’s favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast!

9. Hey, it’s the 50th anniversary of the pageant! Hard to believe that in the same year as Kennedy’s assassination, the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald on national prime time TV, MLK’s iconic “I Have A Dream” speech, the horrific Birmingham church bombings, a historic agreement between France and West Germany that ended 400 years of conflict, the Profumo Affair, and the opening of the “hot line” between Moscow and Washington that allowed direct communication between superpowers to alert each other that imminent and ultimate destruction was nigh, they still had the time, foresight and wherewithal to create a show where women are proud to be objectified and judged like horses!

10. Talent Competition! Here’s what we have this year: a mediocre show tune singer; a “Bollywood fusion dance – I watched it and still don’t really get it; what was she fusing? Bollywood and over-the-top?; a mediocre opera singer (that’s the army lady.She taught herself opera on account of they wouldn’t let her do archery, on account of she might off someone with her perfect kill rate with deadly projectiles. That is one dangerous beauty queen!);a ballerina (Boring! Missed most of it because I got some grapes to go with my cheese and some red to go with my Quil); an Irish step dancer (don’t even get me started!); another mediocre show tune singer; a mediocre jazz singer; a mediocre violinist; another mediocre show tune singer; and, I shit you not, a twirler. I gotta say, she was my favorite. I only wish her batons had been on fire. Or nuclear tipped. That would have been exciting! She hurt her leg in rehearsal, and there was the extra added attraction that her femur might snap, at any moment, right in two. Now that’s entertainment!

11. Oh boy! It’s the Interview Portion! This is where the super beauty smarts come out! I hope they’re real stupid! I just love it when they’re maroons! This year, a special committee made up of special smart people have determined that all of the questions are equally challenging, and I just have to thank goodness that this glaring problem has finally been addressed! Not a moment too soon, either, because I’m not getting any younger and don’t know how much longer I could have lived with the inequity.

Question Number One: About Miley Cyrus and twerking. Answer:”It wasn’t reall twerking for me! Get it?”

#2- Should you stand by your pervert politician husband when he is involved in a sexting scandal? Answer: Yep! You made vows and marriage is sacred! Even if he is a self-centered freak, you should stand by your man forevah!

#3 Q. Is it the US’s job to punish other countries, like, say, if we bomb Syria? (Wait a minute! Just one damned minute, please! Where do the Miss America people get off, asking one chick about Miley Cyrus and another about foreign policy? Since when does Miss America’s opinion on said foreign policy carry any weight anywhere, even in the very competition she seeks to win? This is an outrage, people! Is it because she’s Asian? Give the milky-white twerking and the Asian Syria? Really? I smell a recount!) Answer: Confused rambling about Congressional support and the UN. Not fair!

#4 Q. Julie Chen had plastic surgery to make her eyes less Asian. What do you think about that? A: Plastic surgery is bad. We should all be just who we are!

I think they should have asked a follow-up question: “Who is Julie Chen?”

I’m getting sleepy.

#5. Q. It’s the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington and we have a black president.Still, minorities have low incomes and high incarceration and unemployment rates. What should our nation do about that? A. My dad’s unemployed! I truly represent the middle class. We need to have more jobs in America! (Again, an unfair question, but what an on-topic answer! Brilliant!)

I think I fell asleep. In fact, I’m sure of it. Shit. I don’t even know who won.

I wish Mom Mom was here. She always stayed awake until the end.

But the Quil is singing it’s siren’s song, so I must wish sweet dreams, one and all. I’m going to dream my recurring reverie: I’m a beautiful lady with all my lovely lady friends, and we have crowns and sashes, and we are all dressed like sugary cupcakes, shooting our countrys’ enemies with poison-tipped arrows, posing like pretty ponies for our adoring public, and then Lance Bass dances up to me and says, “I’m a celebrity, and you are a frosted unicorn among the ponies! Let me grab on to your unihorn, and I’ll ride you, slut, I’ll ride like there’s no Miss Universe! Woohoo!

Mom and Dad! Stop reading!

Uh oh. Too late.